Communicate, communicate, communicate!
Did we say communicate? It is not possible to overemphasize the need for honest and open communication between you and your partner when entering into anything Lifestyle related. It is also important to be able to communicate a clear “No, thank-you” to others if they are stepping beyond your previously discussed boundaries.
As an example, I’ll share our first experience at a sex club. We went in knowing that the rule was “ask before you touch” and that we, as a couple, were only going to engage in girl-girl play. After dancing downstairs for a bit in the main club area, with some trepidation, we stripped down to our underwear and towels and ventured upstairs to the play area. Wall to wall beds, heavy breathing, lots of naked bodies enjoying each other. We thought it was pretty exciting, but we were both nervous and unsure of where to go or what to do, or who we wanted to interact with. After wandering somewhat awkwardly for a bit, I (the Mrs.) got (willingly) pulled onto a bed with three other attractive females. Things got heated up after a bit and one started fingering me beneath my underwear which I was only too willing to allow. Then fingers started going all over into other people and my husband pulled me out before I could become cross-contaminated….which I hadn’t even really consciously considered. We recovered from that and ventured onto a bed next to what seemed an attractive couple (though the lights were dark) after asking if we could lay beside them. My husband and I played with each other for a while before I asked if I could touch the woman and she nodded yes. I began touching her and then the man began touching me. He didn’t ask, so I wasn’t expecting it. He started with just touching my back then breasts and kissing my neck. It felt SO good and I was already so heated up that I felt awkward voicing that he should stop. Then the woman reached over and started playing with my husband. I asked my husband if he was okay and he didn’t say no….but he didn’t really say anything. I assumed he was overcome by the hotness and figured everything was cool so let things progress a bit more….
Do you see my mistake?
I’ve had to learn that the absence of a “no” does not necessarily mean “yes”…..a good lesson for many circumstances, but especially good to remember with swinging! If my husband is not responding, I’ve learned that I need to pause things for a moment and communicate with him. After all, our significant others are most important to us. As one swinger friend put it, her husband is her “dinner”….everything else is just dessert. 😉
Before you begin exploring the lifestyle with your partner, there are a number of conversations you will want to have. We’ll post articles with more details in the future, but for now, here are a few suggestions.
What rules/boundaries can we agree on to make sure we’re both comfortable?
Are there any rules we’re okay with changing in the heat of the moment (if we both agree) or is that something we should discuss at home and maybe try out at another point in time?
How will I feel if my partner likes something about a swinging partner more than me?
What if he/she makes noises and responses I’ve never heard before?
How will we deal with possible feelings of jealousy and how can we best reassure our partner of their importance to us?
Are we okay developing relationships with these other couples? Is texting okay? (We advise starting off with group messaging first) Are we okay with opposite sexes texting individually? How open will we be with these conversations? (We advise sharing with each other)
Above all else, it is most important to make sure your partner knows they are your number one priority. While new experiences and relationships may bring a rush of excitement and new feelings, our long-term commitment and loyalty is to our primary relationship. Let each other know often how valuable the other one is to you. Share the excitement of what you’re doing, but be willing to adjust rules and boundaries to meet one another’s comfort levels – which will most likely change from time to time.